Over five years ago, I embarked upon an another epic quest asking difficult questions about a very different set of circumstances. What Next? tried to make sense of a murky path I never planned for but still had to walk. I was confused. Uncertain. Afraid. Subtle difference in grammar but dramatic in the impact and direction of how I faced whatever might be ahead. Trepidation seemed the most likely stance, despite outward signs of confidence.
Turns out I was right to be hesitant. Those new wings could barely stir the detritus at my feet, yet I expected them to carry me further and faster than I’d ever dared before. I’d run headlong into my vanity in short order, crashing to ground in a flurry of feathers and frustration. Only to rise again to assault the heights a second time. Then a third. And a fourth. Again and again without pause or consideration. The beatings continued until I removed the biggest obstacle in my path. That being myself, of course.
I didn’t know who I was outside of the definitions other people gave me. It didn’t occur to me that they could be dead wrong. Everyone was so certain they had me figured out. Who was I to question the underlying nature of my being? It all seemed to align on the surface. I basically matched the identity assigned at birth, so there was never a reason to doubt that basic truth. The root of my problems must reside elsewhere. Some essential missing piece that I needed to find before I could truly live.
The one thing I never questioned was being a father. That became the baseline measure of who I was as a human. Do that one thing to the best of my ability and the rest would surely fall into place. Oddly enough, that is exactly how things played out. The more I leaned into my kiddo’s development and happiness, the easier it became to let a whole host of issues simply fade away into the past. Mostly as it related to dealing with their mom, but being a good dad also gave me a character and confidence I had yet to possess.
It also provided a role model in this delicate and dynamic soul put into my care nearly eleven years ago now. They would readily find answers to questions I never knew I should ask. So many blind spots uncovered that I’ve lost count. First and foremost was understanding the identity I was assigned at birth was only half the story. Their bravery gave me the courage to dig deeper and find Jessica waiting in the wings. Embracing that reality was easier than I could have imagined given the experiences of many trans friends.
The path ahead for 2025 is wide open to a myriad of possibilities. We’re hoping to find a partner to join us on this crazy ride. I suspect that will largely be in Jessie’s court. I’ve been mostly ineffective at meeting women while she’s a natural. Doesn’t hurt that she gets most of the attention these days. Several creative projects need to be finished including two novels, a screenplay and a series treatment for this blog. Think Californication meets the Wonder Years with a healthy dose of Stranger Things as well.
Our transition is mostly complete. The future remains unwritten through the essential plotlines are well underway. We’re excited to embrace whatever comes next.
