Observing Jessie take her place in my life and the wider world beyond has been a whirlwind of emotion. Chief among them is pride. She’s been fearless. Focused on the future. Firm in her belief that whatever challenges came our way could be overcome with quiet resolve and a ready smile. Her faith has been rewarded with acceptance and assurance from each and every corner of our new reality.
It’s also allowed me to look back at the road I travelled to get here with new eyes. It’s true that hindsight is 20/20 but in this case it goes way beyond lessons learned. Without making our transition, these truths would have never come to light no matter how often I dug up the past to understand why I am the way I am. I could have never evolved beyond my many missed opportunities and continuing self sabotage. They’re called blind spots for a reason. I’m convinced I would have kept shooting myself in the foot at inopportune times no matter how much I changed.
A consistent thread throughout my story was an inability to contain and leverage my inherent energy. Now we know why I was that guy for so very long. This body played host to two souls, but mine was the only one actively engaged for 54 years. Jessie was confined to the backseat, whispering advice into my subconscious mind that was largely ignored but always sublime. She provided damage control from time to time. Taking the wheel and making sure my demons didn’t kill us. A cat with 99 lives. Jessie is the only reason we are still here to tell the tale.
She’s the gift that keeps on giving, too. By taking over half the time, I have the freedom to disengage and recharge. I can then process the ridiculous amount of data we’re constantly taking in without the added challenge of facing a world that doesn’t always make sense. With me taking the other half, she can disappear into the background hum and decompress from facing a world that isn’t always friendly to a woman walking around in a boy’s body. Those muscles will take years to develop, so having me there to pick up the slack in the meantime is a blessing.
Finding the rest of my identity so late in life has been an amazing ride. Hard to believe it’s only been five months since I realized Jessica even existed. It’s only been three months since she emerged as a fully-realized human rather than a rhetorical construct to explain my nonbinary embrace of the divine feminine. We leaned into this truth with all the power and privilege at my command. Our family, friends, and coworkers didn’t miss a beat despite the abrupt nature of our arrival. It’s as if we always existed like this, which we clearly did despite not knowing it.
Tonight I took over earlier than expected to finish this post, so we could publish it on schedule. As soon as Jessie put the kiddo to sleep, she bowed out with pleasure and left the rest of the night up to me. Genderfluidity is emerging as a way to keep up with our many obligations outside of the schedule we crafted to meet the same. I can’t wait to read the memoir she writes when this blog is done and moves onto a new format. I’m excited to start a new screenplay looking at this journey, but from a different point of view independent of our story. Stay tuned for further news!
