Over five years ago, I embarked upon an another epic quest asking difficult questions about a very different set of circumstances. What Next? tried to make sense of a murky path I never planned for but still had to walk. I was confused. Uncertain. Afraid. Subtle difference in grammar but […]
Jason Everett Miller
107 posts
Obvious differences aside, we’re hoping most of our friends and family realize by now that Jessica and I are two separate souls sharing the same body. I know there are several who still think this is some sort of cosplay. I’m not gonna lie. It felt like that for me […]
On the day of our birth at Anchorage Presbyterian Hospital in 1970, a single data point ensured we’d “never” face the debilitating impacts of gender dysphoria. I was the one in charge of the boy’s body we’d found on arrival. If Jessie had been driving instead, I suspect we would […]
Observing Jessie take her place in my life and the wider world beyond has been a whirlwind of emotion. Chief among them is pride. She’s been fearless. Focused on the future. Firm in her belief that whatever challenges came our way could be overcome with quiet resolve and a ready […]
Upgrade to First Class?” asked the Delta site. Why not? We can afford it. Treat yourselves right. Jessie should travel in style on her first flight.It’s amazing the treatment a buck-fifty gets tight. By the time the dreaded trip to Louisville arrived,we had fearfully and tearfully come to decidethat nonbinary […]
When I discovered a we within me, the most difficult piece was finding our peace.Finding our way in a world no longer ours. Entering the fray with all of our power.Choice never enters the equation when you find yourself among the destructionof a chaotic and inauthentic life, absent the tools […]
Obligation factors heavily in our life. Our family and friends are at the top of the list, but that baseline extends throughout our many relationships at RSM, Uptown VFW and Arcana Masonic Lodge. When we decided on how we would show up in this new life of ours, the schedule […]
Our introduction to the world couldn’t have gone smoother. Granted, I paved the way by leaning in on the skinny jeans and patent leather hot pink Dr. Martens, painted nails and a fuck the world if they don’t like it attitude. We call that me Aggressively Nonbinary Jason and still […]
Outright dismissal and disrespect were to be expected. We’ve actually been pleasantly surprised by the lack of obvious hostility or potential violence. One of the many advantages to embarking on this path having worn the guise of a cis white male for 54-years. What did catch us off-guard were the […]
Ollie made me a daddy at the ripe old age of forty-four. Almost ten years later, they again transformed me into an us, but in a way I’d never anticipated and am only beginning to truly understand. I suppose we shouldn’t have been surprised. Our life has been absolutely chockfull […]
One thing I didn’t consider when I started this journey was how it would force me to look at my past through an entirely different lens. My dad was a broken man on many levels. He was brilliant and creative and giving while also being a supreme narcissist and unrepentant […]
Objectively speaking, many of the folks in the LGBTQ2+ community are gorgeous, both inside and out. They are smart and funny and real in ways I rarely saw in my previous life. I saw a whole lot of ugly over the years, but precious few moments of unadulterated beauty. Effortless […]
Over the years there have been hints. Allegations. Things better left unsaid. Negative comments about my appearance or my sensitivity. My penchant for female friends. My lack of a love life. My social awkwardness. The constant bullying. The subtle and not-so-subtle sense from most everyone around me that they considered […]
Oblivious is a kind way to describe my blindness up until now. I never realized just how much subtle and not-so-subtle shade gets thrown at members of my community. Motherfuckers giggle behind their hands, stare with impunity and point without shame. Not even half an ounce of trying to hide […]
On July 20, 1923, Alice Paul convened the National Woman’s Party in Seneca Falls, New York, to celebrate the ratification of the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution, securing women the right to vote. Paul told the excited throng that a campaign for a new amendment to guarantee legal equality for […]
Other than my mom and a handful of trusted friends and mentors, I’ve had precious few positive influences. I discussed the negative impacts toxic males had for me, so it is only fitting that I spend some time on the women who instinctively recognized my divine feminine, lying dormant and […]
Of course, any examination of who I’m becoming must start with who I’ve been for most of my life without the gentle influence of my female half. The world I grew up in was very different from the one we’re building today. As bad as things still are for many […]
On November 11 of last year, I attained the third degree of Freemasonry at Arcana Lodge in northeast Minneapolis and was given the honor of becoming a Master Mason, taking my place among a long and storied group of Brothers who have stood firm at the most important moments in […]
Over the last several weeks, I’ve examined my nonbinary human identity and decided what it means to me. Mostly, it’s been an exercise in defining my female half after 54 years of denying her existence. I can’t explain it, but the name Jessica immediately came to mind and felt instantly […]
Observing pieces of my childhood through the eyes of a father is a brutal experience. Even with all I’ve shared on this site, most of my stories remain untold. Plenty of material left for future creative efforts. In the meantime, I’m digging deep for this final installment. Looking for all […]
Obvious privileges aside, my life hasn’t always been this easy. Much of that controlled chaos and karmic debt was self-created and self-inflicted, of course, but the trespasses and tribulations I faced for simply being me were undeserved and uninvited. What I didn’t realize at the time was I’m a nonbinary […]
One subject I’m happy to revisit as much as it takes to put it permanently in the grave is my temper. I’ve made serious strides since I dug into this last time, but it remains a work in progress. While there are a couple places I still need to address, […]
Over five years ago, I set out on a path of intense self-reflection in an effort to become a better dad. I was between jobs at that point, and as I often did in such times, I leaned into my writing as my only way out. I’d been sitting on […]
It took well over a hundred thousand words (ruthlessly edited down from a ridiculous and unbridled total pushing half a million) to describe the unique journey I’ve been privileged to not only survive thus far but to thrive inside of as well. Things left unsaid were quite intentional. Not all […]
When it was all said and done, a single data point allowed me to gracefully move on. One last neglectful moment allowed me to grasp the true nature of my former love. There would be no heartfelt conversation leading to reconciliation. There would be no acknowledgement of the harsh truths […]
When O told me in March that Match.com Boyfriend exited the scene in January, I considered an alternate ending with their mom almost immediately. I’d been feverishly working on an extended rewrite of Tapestry, the novel I wrote to a “we” who would never be, so my nostalgia quotient was […]
Bringing this emotion-laden tome to a close should be much easier than the sum of the tears and time it took to reach this place. The meaning of Life, The Universe and Everything is quite clear to me now. The soul put into my care six years ago deserves every […]
Tomorrow is much easier to understand than yesterday. The parenting consultant finally agreed with me that O should stay at the school where he just completed kindergarten, starting first grade in the fall via distance learning from the daycare he’s been at since he was two-and-a-half. He’ll get the consistency […]
Confronting the illogical nature of my current situation inevitably leads me back to the beginning of this journey. It seems like a lifetime now, but it’s been less than a year since everything I counted on was ripped apart by an ex-wife intent on removing me from the center of […]
Gaslighting is a nefarious strategy that is impossible to counter without mountains of contextual evidence that makes most people’s eyes roll back in their heads. No one cares more about the truth than the person being subjected to its constant destruction, but the problem remains the total data overload needed […]
We The People watched in horror while George Floyd was murdered before our eyes from multiple camera angles and with obvious malice. 8 minutes and 46 seconds that will forever change how we see 2020. The arrogant expression of the man responsible for his death, wearing the uniform of one […]
Another battle lost and the war continues unabated. Each and every issue I’ve mentioned, except one, has been dismissed by our court-appointed Parenting Consultant. Dude keeps smacking me down and insisting I give my ex-wife every benefit of the doubt for her “worries” with no corresponding admonition for her to […]
Last night during our FaceTime chat, my son showed me his new board game. He explained all the rules and how much he looked forward to playing after our call. He finished by saying it was a “Dis-Nay-Nay” game, Match.com Boyfriend cackling in the background like it was the funniest […]
Yesterday and today were filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. After searching for over a month to find a Nintendo Switch for my son’s birthday and mine, it arrived on his Daddy Thursday. The boy was super excited when I sent him upstairs after a […]
Today my ex-wife and I joined our court-ordered Parenting Consultant for a joint intake session via Zoom video conference. I posted up at my desk, dressed for the occasion in my favorite “business casual” attire. Well lit and ready to go to work. O’s mom was backlit, dressed for a […]
COVID-19 looked to be an ironic lifesaver in my world. Following months of chaos and recrimination and outright parental warfare, a global pandemic forced my ex-wife to respond to me in a way that was almost human again. Not as warm as it was before the current impasse came into […]
A year ago today, I decided I wanted to be a better dad. A better man. I saw things about myself I didn’t like and took great pains to change them. Still a work in progress to be sure, but my relationship with my son has never been tighter. I […]
Daddy shows up to say hi to Son before his Saturday morning theater class starts and to say goodbye afterwards, planning to sit and read a book in between. He greets both Mommy and Match.com Boyfriend with a smile, but Daddy is immediately kept away from his boy by Mommy […]
I am beyond hurt that after four years of being amicably apart, the last two years spent amicably divorced, my ex-wife decided to drag me back into mediation rather than simply talking to me like she’s always done. There are several reasons for her desired parenting schedule that I might […]
Finding emotional renewal feels like an exercise focused purely on negative feelings. A never ending series of mea culpas. Suffering through pain and tears alone. A tendency to take too much responsibility. Not really absolving others of their various trespasses as much as honestly (sometimes brutally) owning the part I […]
There’s been a constant throughline in my life. My sister graces my earliest memories and remains central to my latest advances. I was surprised to discover over the holidays that Amy’s recollections of our childhood were anchored by the vivid emotional details of two traumatic events separated by a decade […]
I have never been more optimistic about every measure of happiness that matters. Except one, of course. My perennial, post-pubescent favorite. That said, I feel hopeful about my romantic prospects in the new year as well. I learned many important facts over the last several months that clarified what love […]
Angry skies and pounding seas fade into yesterday. The sun rises in a bold blast of gold and crimson over recently calmed waters. The horizon is peaceful. My authentic self dawns. Right on time. I remain a work in progress, of course. We all do, from cradle to grave if […]
When I was on my first ship, we’d volunteer to do all kinds of stuff in the local area, from cleaning up parks to manning events at a local elementary school. I found the same sort of mission-oriented outlook when I became a member of James Ballentine VFW Post 246. […]
Disconnecting my ego from my mouth by way of more deliberate thoughts and actions has been a huge boon across the board. From my son to my job to my other close relationships, stemming the flow of my running commentary has led to a blessed silence for all of us. […]
When I joined the US Navy in 1991, my life was coming apart at several well-worn seams. They all came back to one central lack. I never really had a dad. I had a dude who contributed “half” my DNA, but he never provided a single piece of actionable intelligence. […]
I have been lucky to make a lot of friends over the years. Some close. Most not. The close ones have stayed close no matter the time or distance apart. Many are veterans I served with or met since I joined VFW Post 246. Quite a few I’ve never even […]
The first woman I “tortured” in lieu of my mother was my sister Amy. It started when we were both too young to understand why I did it and continued far past the time I should have known better. She is one of my closest friends now, but as teens […]
When you spend your life lying to yourself and everyone around you, the hidden truths become an invisible barrier to forming healthy relationships. I didn’t know I was “lying” at the time, but that remains a distinction without a difference in most cases. The damage my blindness caused was always […]
This post may seem odd to the handful of people in my life who have been saintly enough to listen to me process my pain while devising plans for my recovery and rebirth. I’ve been anything but silent as far as they are concerned, though I do hope they appreciate […]
After finding my mom at the center of the extreme emotional explosions my son’s mom faced as my wife, it came as little shock to see my dad smack in the middle of my persistent problems with authority and self-confidience. Clearly I suffered from many of the same underlying issues […]
Now that we’ve reached the end of this rough stretch of road, exploring a dark wilderness of broken dreams, hidden secrets and missed opportunities, I’m excited to find peace and equilibrium on the superhighway stretching ahead in the distance. Homeostasis achieved. It was touch and go, but a hero rose […]
For friends who are new to this party, my Facebook page must seem like the end of a Scooby Doo episode where the mask is ripped off the monster to reveal a mild-mannered writer was the real culprit all along. “I would have gotten away with it too if it […]
This sad equation came into being after my son was born but before we left Portland for Minneapolis and a speedy separation followed by a slow divorce. It was the only way I could process the end of my marriage, a tragic certainty I was powerless to stop at the […]
The most frequent response to my recent revelations is one of confusion and a fair amount of shock. Happy-Go-Lucky-Daddy Jason bears zero resemblance to Barely-Controlled-Rage-Monster Jason I’m introducing everyone to. It seems an incongruent melding of Truth and Twilight Zone. Hard to tell which is which sometimes. While I haven’t […]
Mention the acronym “PTSD” and most people picture a suicidal combat vet balancing on the thin, dangerous edge of violence and ruin. Maybe he’s already hurt himself or others. It is a crisis situation. Obvious and immediate. While this extreme and emergent scenario is a real possibility, it is just […]
I don’t want to leave the impression that my ex fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath sporting slick lines and an irresistible smile or that I fell in love with a simple, codependent sap who couldn’t function without me by her side. Nothing could be further from the truth. […]
My spiritual awakening rolled-out in three phases. First my son. Then myself. Then O’s mom. Once I accepted the reality of our marriage, it wasn’t long before I found my mom at the center of our emotional turmoil. Unresolved anger and resentment were deep-rooted, starting when I was six months […]
When I was stationed at the Navy’s Combat Camera Group Pacific in San Diego circa 1998, a civilian video editing instructor told me I acted like a guy who wore blue suede shoes. When I asked her what she meant, she replied, “You always have the answer. Ten steps ahead […]
Here’s the thing about that cliche. It’s only useful if you are aware of the devil being discussed. If it’s the normal variety of personal demon, chances are his “evil” machinations are taking place totally under the radar. It’s the secrets hidden from our view that cause the most problems […]
One of the things that gives me great comfort is music. I sing karaoke. I sing in the shower. Sing in the car with my son. Tap my toes or fingers along to the beat in my headphones at work. Music was the first friend I turned to when things […]
Despite the confusion and shadows in one area of my new life, the father I am becoming has never been more clearly defined. I ignored many of the important details when I was a stay-at-home dad through O’s first 15 months of life. Too much adult fallout was extant at […]
That’s the real question isn’t it? I didn’t know this would be my destination when I started down this road, so I am totally at a loss as to what I should do next. Can’t even make an educated guess let alone devise intricate plans with back-ups to my back-ups […]
From the outside looking in, a spiritual transformation of one’s base personality (ego destruction if you will) may seem like an abrupt seismic shift. Almost hubristic in nature, ironically. I’m still not immune to the “sin” of wanting to be as good as I can be at everything I do, […]
This list will remain organic and growing.Old rules edited for clarity. New rules added for substance. Let it all go. Immediately. You’ll never get closure. You’ll never get relief. Except for that which you create all on your own. Let it go, but still hold fast to yourself. Audiences feel […]
Dismissing painful details started out as a defense mechanism, I suspect, but quickly became a genetic trait as ingrained as my black hair, hazel eyes and crooked smile. Much like the anger and alcohol that would rise up to defend me when those repressed details came bubbling back to the […]
At three and a half, I decided it was time I lived with my dad and set out to make it happen as soon as possible. That he lived hours away in Denver didn’t deter me in the least. That I was watched both night and day made no difference […]
One thing you need to understand about my family is the oddity of our collective tale. We are an eclectic and eccentric bunch on all the branches of our many trees. Some of the yarns are too fantastic to be believed, creativity and emotion playing out in a chaotic symphony […]
The small apartment was in a sketchy area of Anchorage where my 25-year-old dad Gordon was already living and working at something or other to make ends barely meet. I was just a kid, so I don’t know the exact economics, but I assume based on current knowledge that my […]
Our would-be stepfather needed a new spread for the family when his house started to fall down. Literally. It was built on an unstable hillside in a subdivision of custom homes where dozens of other would-be masters of the universe also built their starter kingdoms without knowing a huge fault […]
My second escape attempt came during our second year in lovely Shangri-La. My stepfather became especially heavy handed as the winter months settled in. Twenty hours of darkness makes a person cranky and what better way to beat the doldrums than by beating your kids? I suspect he took out […]
Mom turned 29-years-old near the end of 1978 with very little fanfare and without having ever lived a life of her own. Two young children counted on her for everything while their father, recently released from prison, kept popping by to snort coke with her psychopathic husband. Spending ten, eleven […]
Fall of 1980 was a strange, misplaced spring with rain and warmish weather right up until the end of October. Before the mutant winter set in with heavy snows and ridiculous lows, bad things happened in our little corner of Anchorage. Two women were raped in the dark track of […]
I don’t remember the exact reasons, but after a single year at North Star, I went to live with my dad and his new wife, Sharon, changing schools to attend Willow Crest Elementary for fifth grade. The house is gone now, the enormous lot turned into a condo complex, but […]
I was nearing my eleventh birthday when I moved back into my mom’s house. She was hugely pregnant with our little brother Jon, who would arrive in a month and a half while I snored on a beanbag chair outside the special birthing room at the hospital. I arrived near […]
One of my best moves in showing up to a new elementary school (something I had done seven or eight times by sixth grade) was challenging the cool kids to smoke a cigarette or some other deviant act. It was a tactic that delivered numerous strategic benefits. Would-be bullies are […]
If you’ve never tried going to sleep with the sun still in the sky despite it being ten in the evening, then you haven’t been to Anchorage in the summer. I was back on the seedier side of town in a one bedroom apartment with two twin beds requiring me […]
I arrived back in Colorado to find my mom, Abby and Jon still living in a huge apartment complex near my grandma with tons of amenities. My sister had a small group of friends she had cultivated at nearby Edgewater Elementary, where I had spent an ill-fated few months getting […]
We moved from the “haunted” house on Harlan to a townhouse near Kipling just before my thirteenth birthday. I was able to finish the school year at Wheatridge Junior High since the new house was still in the same geographic area. Mom had a high-pressure job as a paralegal in a […]
I “finished” ninth grade at Bear Creek High School with a report card full of Fs and Ds that would need to be made up the following year if I wanted to move on to tenth grade. First, though, was summer 1985 and an epic three months of nonstop partying […]
My dad “lost” his condo before summer ended, so it was another round of domestic musical chairs that found my sister back with mom while I stayed with dad in an apartment he shared with an old friend from somewhere or other. The guy drove a 16-wheeler and was rarely […]
Mom followed the $12,000 rehab with a transformative five-day Outward Bound experience for me and Abby in the rugged mountains outside Leadville, Colorado. I’m not sure how much that one cost her, but it couldn’t have been cheap. Mom’s instincts were spot on and it should have worked given who […]
We hit the road well before the sun came up with all my worldly possessions tucked safely under a tarp in back. Dad put in six solid hours of driving and was able to keep a couple McDonalds cheeseburgers down before chemotherapy caught up with him not far outside of […]
Anyone familiar with the 1980s remembers crotch-rocket motorcycles and every teenage boy’s need for speed. I don’t entirely blame Tom Cruise, but it was probably his fault when Joey asked his doting mom for a Kawasaki Ninja to celebrate his sixteenth birthday. My dance with death was amped up a […]
The last day at Albert Powell High School in 1987 was also my last day of school in Yuba City for good. I decided not to go back for my senior year, effectively dropping out without much of a plan for what I would do next. Abby moved in with […]
Abby was also on break after her first few months at the San Bernardino Job Corps Center where she was being subjected to a much different experience from a program efficacy standpoint as well as a demographic one. Like me, she dove in head first and was making the best […]
November of 1988 found me mostly healed and ready to tackle life as carpenter’s apprentice on large commercial construction projects around town. I secured my first apartment at a rate of $475 per month in a small building a short, scruffy drive from downtown. I bought a used waterbed on […]
The beginning of the end in Reno started with getting laid off from the middle school job. Once again, all that remained was the fine finish work to be handled by the journeymen and master carpenters, so the apprentices were let go and I started looking for a new gig. […]
The only thing worth mentioning from my next three months in Orlando was the mile and a half long walk from the recruit barracks to the student barracks where I would live while I learned how to function aboard a ship. The heavy canvas straps of my dark green seabag […]
Our defining moment on Hunley began innocently enough in August of 1992 when a rare training cruise took us up the coast to Halifax, Nova Scotia for four days in port after practicing General Quarters drills all the way there. Caleb and I served on the damage control teams, so […]
Christmas turns stateside Navy installations into ghost towns as mass leave sends sailors home for long family visits. To prepare for my 3,500 mile round-trip drive, I took my burgundy 300ZX to the base automotive shop for new tires and a tune-up. My sea-bag was stored in the hatchback with […]
Just after the holidays, Caleb was released from Hunley’s deck department to live and train with the SEAL teams stationed at the amphibious base in Little Creek, Virginia. He explained the whole routine to me, but it sounded like a lot of jumping and running and swimming and hooyahing, all […]
The Boeing DC-10 banked hard to the right and then hard to the left before coming to a landing at an extreme downward angle, aerial acrobatics courtesy of the fine line between Cuba and the 45-square mile Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, leased as part of the Cuban-American Treaty of 1903. […]
Caleb was pretty stoked when I returned to the states via Gainesville, Florida where he was living. I was planning to buy a car and drive to San Diego by way of Colorado to visit the family I hadn’t seen for a few years. Caleb decided to move with me […]
Deep Submergence Unit (DSU) at Naval Air Station North Island was the public-facing operational arm of Submarine Development Group 1 where the Deep Submergence Rescue Vehicles, Deep Submergence Vehicles, Advanced Tethered Vehicle and other specialized gear was stored and maintained by a group of divers and submariners. One of the […]
JO2 Kent Dupree had showed up a couple months earlier to serve aboard the USS Constellation in San Diego. He described the plight of the JO2 in charge of their broadcasting operations who had recently welcomed a new son to world. Shipping out for a six-month cruise is something many […]
The room I vacated the previous April was no longer available to me and the rest of the barracks had filled up to the point that all E-5 and above were being asked to find civilian housing off base to make room for junior sailors. With the financial incentives making […]
Combat Camera Group Pacific at Naval Air Station North Island was (and presumably still is) as good as it gets for journalists and photographer’s mates in the Navy. The best of the best are hand-picked to serve and many spend the rest of their careers there and CCG Atlantic in […]
Thanksgiving holiday is a four-day event for most of the military if you don’t have to stand duty. I was hanging with IC3 Justin Scott, the guy who went to SERE school with me and was one of the few single sailors at Combat Camera who would party without apology. […]
I wasn’t sure what I would find once I hit northern Virginia, but the task at hand definitely required my undivided attention given the wicked crosswind hitting I-70 as I took the onramp east from I-25 south. The dry snow from the storm earlier in the week was now blowing […]
The small production company was in North Hollywood and appeared on my radar by way of an introduction to the young guy running it from his mother who worked with my mother as a paralegal for a small firm in Loveland. It was an apt example of how shit gets […]
The place smelled of cigarettes and desperation. My dad’s own ten-thousand watt smile never dimmed, but the fear was a living, breathing entity behind his dark brown eyes and the relief at my sudden appearance was palpable. My grandfather’s chair still sat in front of his old color television. A […]
I was wrapping up my first year in graduate school and preparing for a summer semester that would find me completing an independent study project rather than going to class with the rest of the cohort. This was another of those decisions that would come back to haunt me as […]
Our first major decision as a couple was leaving our apartment when the lease expired at the end of April. We decided buying a place was a much better plan given the market and our long-term goals. We were also going a little stir crazy from being in such tight […]
As much as we brought out the best in each other, it was apparent early on in the marriage that we brought out the worst in equal measure. My life didn’t give me a docile enough nature to be the proper foil for whatever demons were trying to get out […]
Before the hammer could drop at TAD in May of 2013, Megan felt optimistic enough about our future prospects to plan a vacation that would take a large chunk of our savings to pull off in the style to which we had become accustomed. She secured a passport not long […]
When Megan told me she was pregnant, I had forgotten we started trying back in April before my professional world came apart and her fear response went into overdrive. None of that mattered in the moment as my bullshit meter was instantly reset to zero and I gathered her in […]